Many people who experience psychosis do not remember the experience. As a nurse working with such people, one sees how confused they seem to be at times and in psychiatric nursing practice they might be described as being "thought disordered" at these times.
But what can seem like random and unrelated ways of behaving from the outside, can make perfect sense to people from the inside when experiencing psychosis.
I wrote the following piece in around 2007. It recalls my experiences leading up to and during being sectioned under the mental health act as an inpatient on an acute psychiatric ward - not so different from the kind of place that I work as a member of staff today.
My own account of "psychosis from the inside" (which I will divide up into parts for this blog), was originally published in Isabel Clarke's book, published in 2008, called "Madness, Mystery and the Survival of God". Her book gives a new perspective on faith and psychosis and it offers insight into the unshakable conviction of both "delusion" and religious fanaticism. In this book she gives her explanation for the survival of faith and superstition in a secular age, and she locates "God" within a scientific world view, in a way that intends to respect mystery.
Since contributing the following piece to Isabel Clarke's book, I have now gained access to my clinical notes that were written about me at the time, but, at least for now, here is the experience purely from the perspective of how I recalled it...
‘A’ Levels
A College student about 17-18
years old, I had been studying the philosophy of religion, and searching for
God/Truth/Reality - I wanted to know and understand.
Finally - a ‘breakthrough’:
None of this is real; this life
and universe is a great illusion. Fear of death is simply fear of letting this
illusion go. The answer lies in surrender of this life - this reality… but how
to wake up from this dream of life and death – how to reach; and see the face
of God?
My friend had died age 16 two
years before; he had been chased by drug dealers from a different part of town,
He tried an escape along an electric train track, but slipped, was electrocuted
and finished by a moving train.
At last I could see: his death was a sign – he was a messenger calling into the
unknown... He was guiding me out of this illusion
But how to escape?
Great feelings started to come
upon me as I reached beyond the world of illusion towards God. On Sunday I went
to the village Church where I was given another clue – “Welcome to the Ark”
said a faithful villager. Yes THIS is the Ark, and only the presence of God can
save us from the drowning world of illusion. ALL must wake up as I was waking
up; or they would drown into the burning lake of sulphur.
Death
As the end of the ‘illusion
world’ drew closer, Angels and Demons began to reveal themselves. The Angels
were as a light leading to God, but the demons were as chains to the falsehood
of illusion.
All around both Angels and evil
forces of illusion became stronger. It was a battle of forces, but reassurances
were given – that good would ultimately win.
At the bus stop on my way home
from college I met angels who gave advice for my journey. They gave hints about
the way ahead and the battles which must be fought. They told me what was in
store. I returned to my village and met friends who were also angels. I tried
to get them to DRINK THE WATER – to drink would ensure that they too would be
saved from this evil world illusion and the burning lake of sulphur - they took
some water; thus I knew they were safe.
We watched ‘The Who’ on a music
video. The band on the video spoke directly to me; they too were angels and
gave instructions. “It’s beyond the beyond” an Angel (Pete Townshend) reassured
as I struggled to reach beyond this world of illusion.
On my way home from my friend’s house I searched for the vicar, to explain that the time as recorded in the Book of Revelation had come, but I could not find the vicar.
I met a Minister
and gave him the message:
‘THE ONLY WORD
WHICH CANNOT BE SAID IS THE WORD THIS IS TRYING TO SAY- SAY THE WORD’.
When I returned to my room at
home with my parents I needed to protect myself. I stayed in my room and
created a ‘circle’ of safety. Demonic
forces and Beasts would try to attack me in the night. So, to remain in my
circle of safety I prepared an empty container to urinate in. My drawings of
patterns and designs which seemed to come from a divine source became
protective, so I drew patterns on my clothes and college bag. These drawings
were also a secret map showing the way I had to go...
As protection, to ward off the
demonic forces I used my drum which was my most powerful weapon. It gave
additional protective powers and it too was now covered in my patters and
designs.
As I now sat protected in my
room, I could hear more voices and discussion down stairs – it was demons in
the guise of police, doctors, the vicar and others... Demons clearly seemed to
be preparing for this battle too...
Below and down the stairs was the underworld where I soon had to go.
Demons had gathered their forces in preparation for battle, as I had prepared
myself...
Hampshire County Lunatic Asylum
(Established under Provisions of Pauper Lunatics Act 1848 and the first patients were admitted in 1852. Later known as 'Knowle Mental Hospital', Fareham. Closed in 1996).
When I opened my eyes again there were two people sat in front of me. There were windows but they had grids over them. There were other beds around but they were empty. There was a cupboard and I managed to grab a jug and turned it upside down so as to use it as a makeshift drum..
I sat for some time drumming to ward off any demonic attacks. But one of them complained that I was ‘keeping other patients awake’- The demons were trying to break through my defence. Eventually a demon managed to snatch the jug away from me, and without a drum for protection I had lost an essential defence against impeding demonic attack.
Blood
Walking around the area of a few hospital beds, I saw a picture on the wall. It was a landscape painting. I looked at the picture for a long time. Eventually I realised that it was in fact a window into heaven – the reality beyond the illusion. In order to get there I had to ‘show my faith’. I needed to allow my body to fall back in trust; by doing so I would more fully transcend the illusion and would land in heaven.
I fell back, but as I fell, BANG my head smacked onto the edge of a table. After a few moments I was able to stand – ‘that feels better’ I said: The physical pain had created a brief but blissful momentary relief from mental torment.
My head was now cut open and bled for quite a while.
Later I was asked if I wanted stitches in my head. But this was simply demons attempting to ensnare me in illusion – “look at all the blood” they said. “What blood?” I replied, “I can’t see any blood” – The illusory blood coming out of my head was as a demonic chain - they tried to use it to control and ensnare me.
Force
A nurse had been walking behind me so as to assure I would not fall back again. After a while longer a team of people came into the area. I was pinned down by a team onto a bed and a needle was prepared to inject me by force.
Luckily the injection did nothing, I was able to get up and walk about and shouted at the nurses/demons surrounding me GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAY… I shouted for as long as I possibly could but was never violent in return for their needles.
Injected around 3-4 more times in this way, it had become a battle against their needle. The real control over me was that of demons. Some of those surrounding me would momentarily appear as angels but then turn into demons. They had a telephone they used to speak to the Doctor, they needed more drugs to keep me under control – it was simply an attempt to strengthen their demonic forces. Before they could make the call I smashed up the telephone. They also had radio communication, but in a moment of their distraction I grabbed and destroyed their Radio too.
More needles were brought in and this time the injection knocked me out and although I lay on the bed I could hear the people around talking about me – “he’s a real nutter, this one”.
Padded Cell
Later I was taken into a padded white room with a mattress on the floor and a radiator with especially curved edges, there was a window with a few bars on it and a round light on the ceiling.
A few would come to remove my soiled clothes. I physically resisted and fought against their demonic intrusions. I was held, sitting on the mattress for many hours, looking up to the small window with bars high on the wall.
Over the days demons continued to attack. In the evening demons appeared as my visiting parents. I was pleased to see them but this too was a demonic trap and deception. The arrival of these demons disguised as my parents meant I had to fight even harder to protect myself from their attempts at possession.
In the absence of a protective drum, I had begun chanting to protect myself. The repetitive sound of my chant created a protective circle around me. For hours and hours the chanting continued.
When demons appeared again as my parents, I had to once more prove that I had faith beyond the illusion of appearances. I knew that these were not my parents but demonic impersonators – everything around me remained an illusion and my battle within it was also my journey through it. I once again stood up ready to let myself fall back in full trust as I had before. This time a nurse caught my head before it hit the radiator.
Return
For many hours I continued to chant. Gradually I noticed that those around me became calmer, as did I. As all became more and more settled, the demons were more pacified - chant induced pacification gradually overpowered the demonic forces. Still in my padded cell, I looked up at the small round light above the mattress and lay back. Just as I had entered the underworld via the staircase at home, as I looked into the small round light above me, I could now see the exit out of the underworld, and it was time to leave. I looked at the light for as long as I could, and fell into a natural sleep...
When I awoke, I said “Thank God that’s over”, the ‘demons’ were now pacified – the depths of psychosis confronted and travelled through, thus the world, at least for me, was indeed fresh and new. I told the person who had been sitting on a chair outside all night watching me that it was over, I was back and wanted something to eat. He asked me to take some medication – Droperidol, a drug which is now deemed too unsafe for medical use. A few weeks later I was back at college continuing with my ‘A’Levels, and had stopped taking any medication whatsoever.
Note: You may also be interested in Manasa Ayurveda - a traditional Buddhist Ayurvedic approach to mental health and wellbeing, now being introduced in the West...
At last I could see: his death was a sign – he was a messenger calling into the unknown... He was guiding me out of this illusion
Great feelings started to come
upon me as I reached beyond the world of illusion towards God. On Sunday I went
to the village Church where I was given another clue – “Welcome to the Ark”
said a faithful villager. Yes THIS is the Ark, and only the presence of God can
save us from the drowning world of illusion. ALL must wake up as I was waking
up; or they would drown into the burning lake of sulphur.
All around both Angels and evil forces of illusion became stronger. It was a battle of forces, but reassurances were given – that good would ultimately win.
On my way home from my friend’s house I searched for the vicar, to explain that the time as recorded in the Book of Revelation had come, but I could not find the vicar.
‘THE ONLY WORD WHICH CANNOT BE SAID IS THE WORD THIS IS TRYING TO SAY- SAY THE WORD’.
Hampshire County Lunatic Asylum
(Established under Provisions of Pauper Lunatics Act 1848 and the first patients were admitted in 1852. Later known as 'Knowle Mental Hospital', Fareham. Closed in 1996).
When I opened my eyes again there were two people sat in front of me. There were windows but they had grids over them. There were other beds around but they were empty. There was a cupboard and I managed to grab a jug and turned it upside down so as to use it as a makeshift drum..
I sat for some time drumming to ward off any demonic attacks. But one of them complained that I was ‘keeping other patients awake’- The demons were trying to break through my defence. Eventually a demon managed to snatch the jug away from me, and without a drum for protection I had lost an essential defence against impeding demonic attack.
Blood
Walking around the area of a few hospital beds, I saw a picture on the wall. It was a landscape painting. I looked at the picture for a long time. Eventually I realised that it was in fact a window into heaven – the reality beyond the illusion. In order to get there I had to ‘show my faith’. I needed to allow my body to fall back in trust; by doing so I would more fully transcend the illusion and would land in heaven.
I fell back, but as I fell, BANG my head smacked onto the edge of a table. After a few moments I was able to stand – ‘that feels better’ I said: The physical pain had created a brief but blissful momentary relief from mental torment.
My head was now cut open and bled for quite a while.
Later I was asked if I wanted stitches in my head. But this was simply demons attempting to ensnare me in illusion – “look at all the blood” they said. “What blood?” I replied, “I can’t see any blood” – The illusory blood coming out of my head was as a demonic chain - they tried to use it to control and ensnare me.
Force
A nurse had been walking behind me so as to assure I would not fall back again. After a while longer a team of people came into the area. I was pinned down by a team onto a bed and a needle was prepared to inject me by force.
Luckily the injection did nothing, I was able to get up and walk about and shouted at the nurses/demons surrounding me GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO AWAY… I shouted for as long as I possibly could but was never violent in return for their needles.
Injected around 3-4 more times in this way, it had become a battle against their needle. The real control over me was that of demons. Some of those surrounding me would momentarily appear as angels but then turn into demons. They had a telephone they used to speak to the Doctor, they needed more drugs to keep me under control – it was simply an attempt to strengthen their demonic forces. Before they could make the call I smashed up the telephone. They also had radio communication, but in a moment of their distraction I grabbed and destroyed their Radio too.
More needles were brought in and this time the injection knocked me out and although I lay on the bed I could hear the people around talking about me – “he’s a real nutter, this one”.
Padded Cell
Later I was taken into a padded white room with a mattress on the floor and a radiator with especially curved edges, there was a window with a few bars on it and a round light on the ceiling.
A few would come to remove my soiled clothes. I physically resisted and fought against their demonic intrusions. I was held, sitting on the mattress for many hours, looking up to the small window with bars high on the wall.
Over the days demons continued to attack. In the evening demons appeared as my visiting parents. I was pleased to see them but this too was a demonic trap and deception. The arrival of these demons disguised as my parents meant I had to fight even harder to protect myself from their attempts at possession.
In the absence of a protective drum, I had begun chanting to protect myself. The repetitive sound of my chant created a protective circle around me. For hours and hours the chanting continued.
When demons appeared again as my parents, I had to once more prove that I had faith beyond the illusion of appearances. I knew that these were not my parents but demonic impersonators – everything around me remained an illusion and my battle within it was also my journey through it. I once again stood up ready to let myself fall back in full trust as I had before. This time a nurse caught my head before it hit the radiator.
Return
For many hours I continued to chant. Gradually I noticed that those around me became calmer, as did I. As all became more and more settled, the demons were more pacified - chant induced pacification gradually overpowered the demonic forces. Still in my padded cell, I looked up at the small round light above the mattress and lay back. Just as I had entered the underworld via the staircase at home, as I looked into the small round light above me, I could now see the exit out of the underworld, and it was time to leave. I looked at the light for as long as I could, and fell into a natural sleep...
When I awoke, I said “Thank God that’s over”, the ‘demons’ were now pacified – the depths of psychosis confronted and travelled through, thus the world, at least for me, was indeed fresh and new. I told the person who had been sitting on a chair outside all night watching me that it was over, I was back and wanted something to eat. He asked me to take some medication – Droperidol, a drug which is now deemed too unsafe for medical use. A few weeks later I was back at college continuing with my ‘A’Levels, and had stopped taking any medication whatsoever.
Note: You may also be interested in Manasa Ayurveda - a traditional Buddhist Ayurvedic approach to mental health and wellbeing, now being introduced in the West...
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